The Angry Web Designer

Almost a year to the date I was hired with [insert really dumb company here], I have been laid off. No surprise really, the company hasn’t sold a single product or service since I started working for them.

I was hired on as a “Web Designer” - which meant in addition to graphics and layouts, I had to implement the designs as well.

Having been a consultant for several years, web design was my forte - with a sprinkle of SEO, Brand and Identity Design, custom development and the good o’ll Flash stuff. It’s terribly difficult to come into a company with this type of background if everyone around you is a moron. Seriously - POSH, CSS, Semantic, Organic, PPC, Progressive Enhancement, Insert Buzz Word for Industry Related Expectations - ignorant.

Back to the “Web Design” … I was placed under the V.P. of Marketing (who had no idea what the difference between Organic and PPC / Paid was), and was expected to do as I was told. Since the previously “Web Designer” was actually a “Graphic Artist” who knew some CSS and HTML, I was expected to fit the same mold … which meant the developers wouldn’t let me touch any code and I was confined to the recesses of the business side of the office. Rather unexpectedly, I was not permitted to use any industry tricks for “Web Design” - no stock vector art, no stock PERIOD, everything was to be custom made and everything took a LONG TIME.

Mistake #1 - Not allowing the employee to do their job the best way they know how (which might be smarter, faster, more cost effective than your way).

I was told by the Ass Hole of Marketing that “stock is too generic - you see it everywhere. I want us to be unique and you have to create everything by scratch”. Okay … maybe he didn’t say that last part just like that - but that’s what he meant.

I spent over of 25 days on a flash movie that was scrapped (although this might seem like a short time, I have put together entire flash sites in less time). I spent 5 months on a project that was rendered completely useless because the technology spec’s were given by a person who had no technology background (although he swears to this day that he has worked in “technology” for over 10 years) - and yes, I did give the pro’s and con’s for each desicion that needed to be made - I’m not an asshole. All-in-all, I would say about half of my time with that company was absolutely wasted on meetings and frivolous, death-by-committee, opinions on my work (which, ironically - all changes would slowly progress back to my original designs). After a few months, I was no longer a “Web Designer” and had officially become a “Web Developer”. While I thought I was moved to the development team because the Jask Ass of Marketing was a bad manager- as it turned out, he just wanted to hire a new “Graphic Artist” who would let him dictate design to. The new guy was a sweet guy - but a HORRIBLE, WHINNY bitch when it came to creating user interfaces.

Mistake #2 - Don’t hire a butcher to work as a chef.

The next few months are filled with code clean-up. Converting table based layouts into POSH markup with compliant CSS, conditional CSS for legacy IE support (haha), implementing new technologies when possible and always battling for the last word when it came to UI. At the end of the day, I won … I won so fucking hard that the company won too - it was a sweet deal.

So, I’m happy in my little development land - sort of. I had to convince the developers around me that HTML was, in fact, a REAL programming language. And, if you use it badly your website will suffer. Since all the software they had developed in the past was not web facing (exposed to search engines, blind people, etc.), they never placed any significance on proper coding techniques. After weeks of great search rankings, easy deployments with care-free custom designs (minus the graphic artist who didn’t understand why I needed png files that were less than 400kb), I earned the trust and respect of those around me as the “Web Guru”. Even the CEO marveled in the organic search results our website was achieving.

Unfortunately, by the time my work was completed enough - the gig was up. When the bosses finally figured out what I meant by using a template engine, using proper coding techniques, applying broad simple styles for re-usability, they “ran out of funding” to support my paycheck … whooo hooo. Ironically - the same people that implemented the table based layouts, poor CSS, improper “code branding” and piss poor UI are still running the company. Oh, and the Dumb Ass Marketing VP … he’s still there too.

So at the end of this shitty day, I realized that even though I lost my job - I wasn’t the one who burned through millions of VC funding with nothing to show for it. I didn’t layoff people just to save my own ass. I tried my best to tell these ignorant bozo’s what was up - but they were too set in their ways … and too far-gone into their piss-poor business model - I hope it all works out for them in the end, I still own stock :\

So what were all the mistakes? Here we go;

1. Having no idea what technologies where best to get the job done

2. Having no experience in web related services or businesses

3. Having no knowledge of online PR campaigns and how to assert damage control for negative PR

4. No senior level (C-level) officers having ever successfully run a web-related business (ISP’s don’t count as “web related”)

5. Not knowing when to scrap a project and start from scratch

6. Leveraging old technologies and expecting them to perform at new technology levels

7. No standard software development experience by senior architects or employees (at least, not listening to employees who have)

8. Not listening to employees concerns (development cycles, product offerings, marketing, etc.)

9. Hiring cheep and expect expecting rock-star performance

10. Running a software company with twice as many business personnel than development personnel … DUH!!!

So, it may sound like I’m bitter - and yes, I’m very fucking bitter. I gave up weekends, evenings, sleep and personal projects for this bullshit. I put my faith in these jerks (yes, I even put my faith in the Retarded Marketing VP) and they let me down. I’m now unemployed in the worse economic environment since … whatever … yes - I’m pretty fucking bitter.

At the end of the day though, I have something to bitch about - so it’s not all that bad. At least that’s what I try to tell myself.

p.s. I don’t hate Marketing Professionals. I am in awe of the good ones … the rest should just crawl in a hole with attorneys and die a slow death.